With just a little bit of Blood Love Hope Lust and Steam, I'm going to make it. Life, to say the least has not been very easy on me as of late, or perhaps, I haven't been very easy on life lately? Either way, things aren't exactly going the way I intended them to. I have a birthday coming, my new life is starting soon, I can feel it, it's calling to me, October 27th, I'll be reborn, my life will take flight and I'll finally make everything happen. I'll be the Incredible Machine that I know I can be. My goals are set, I have the support that I know I need. Goal 1: Get my drivers license. Goal 2: Get a part time job. Goal 3: Get into school. My time frame? ASAP! Though i have given myself a time frame for the license, as long as I have it by my next birthday I'll be on track. I know that I can do it. I just need to forge on and be the captain of this machine. I need to take control, and not let anything or anyone including myself, stop me or steer me off course. With the course set, I can and will succeed. For too long I've been the main road block in my own life. It stops now, I will be a success and I am not doing it for anyone other than myself. It all starts now!
i want to call someone baby, i want to have someone to call baby... i don't want to be alone, i don't want to keep falling in love with the wounded, the unavailable or the unready... i want to wake up next to the same person for the rest of my life. i don't want to keep thinking about things that never were, things that could have been or the things i lost. i want someone i can look at and see stability, love, understanding, respect and lasting love. i want someone to look at me and think to themselves "he's mine" and smile. i want to see that smile from across the room, and i want to know that i would be the only person who knows why he's smiling, because i'll be smiling too. i want to start all over again, go back to day one, but i've already done that and yet somehow feel more lost than i did when i began again. i just want someone in my life who is going to want me in theirs. i don't want to be the exception, i want to be the rule. i want to be misunderstood and loved anyway, i want top be asked questions, i want to be challenged, i want to be made to think, i want to second-guess everything, but always know i love him, whomever he may be and know he loves me, i want to be something other than a toy, a puppet, something to pass the time, i don't want to be someone who fills a void, i want to be the reason the void is there, if ever i were to leave, but i want him to know i won't. i want someone who's not going to judge me for my inadequacies, addictions, self-doubt, faults or flaws, but embrace them and love them, because these things are all part of the man they fell in love with and they accept that. he accepts me, for me, no matter what he wishes i'd change, but loves me anyway for my stubbornness. i want the man who will feel lonely in a crowded room if i'm not there, i want someone to hold me and no when i need to be alone, i want him to know when i'm faking it and really mean stay with me. i want him to be flawed, i want don't want him to be perfect, i just want him to be perfect for me. it's a lot to ask, i know, but could he really be out there?
been here almost 5 months... i still feel like I've accomplished so little, nothing, really. something is missing. wheres my purpose? back home i always felt like i had a purpose, i was the guy who kept everyone together and after leaving i realized that was true. I'm not saying everyone fell apart without me, but it seems that people have all fallen away from each other. the gang is no more...
it seems more and more that lately i have really been considering/thinking about moving back home and trying to start over there... maybe I'll regain my purpose, i don't feel like i have anything holding me back here, like i don't really fit in. i feel like I'm making every ones life a little more difficult than it needs to be, well not everyone, 2 people really. feels like things were just a little easier for them before i showed up... i know they'd both deny it, but its pretty obvious they had less to worry about before i came along. sucks cos i really love both of them and it really wasn't my intention.
yes, i know all of this was already said... i just liked the way it sounded here...
i always get what i want. always. now here, i have the taste of something so perfect and sweet, but its only given to me every so often, always leaving me wanting more.
i know that sounds kind of vain and what-not, but its true, whenever i set my sights on something, i don't stop tilll i get it, and when i do finally get it, i hold onto it like there is nothing more precious in this world, regardless of what it is. i don't have a lot, but what i do have, i cherish and keep near and dear to me, always...
can we please fast forward? maybe rewind? hell, I'll even take pause! then i can have a minute without distraction to piece this all together and make a decision, find an answer... i'll even take a clue, then, atleast i'd know in which direction to go.
it's kind of funny how i never give up, i might not always get exactly what i want, because when on the journey to getting what i want, sometimes i find what i need. and the plan changes...
is this going to be the time when i make an exception... will this be the time when i give in? when i don't get what i want?
Maybe I know, somewhere deep in my soul That love never lasts and we've got to find other ways To make it alone or keep a straight face
And I've always lived like this keeping a comfortable distance And up until now I had sworn to myself that I'm content With loneliness because no one was ever worth the risk, but you are the only exception
I've got a tight grip on reality, but I can't let go of what's in front of me here I know your leaving in the morning, when you wake up leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream
you are the only exception and I'm on my way to believing.
how many letters in the word love? how many letters in the word you?
why am i crying? is it because i have no hope or too much hope?
i really don't want to feel like i made the wrong choice anymore. i want to love it here, i want to want to stay here. i want to live my life! i want to stop everything and start over. i want to go back to February 2ND and start over. do this all in a different way, but i know i can't, and i just need to get past those thoughts and move forward... keep moving forward... everything always in time will come...
its 9 am... i can tell it's going to be another beautiful day here in Nashville, the humid heat is growing on me, i think i like it. i can hear my roommate in the living room, cleaning up the after math of his drunken debauchery and here i am, sitting in my room, alone, crying and listening to Paramore.
i want to have fight left in me, and try as i might i think I'm all out, even with the hope of future plans being made, expressing that we want to see each other more, that we're going to try, even with the fucked up schedules... but theres something missing, and i cant figure out what it is. maybe its just me, maybe i'm thinking too much into this whole thing, but whatever it is, i have and hate the feeling of letting go of something that just feels so right, again... that's twice now in my life that i have to give up on something i feel/felt so strongly about... i know i should fight, but i can't win a losing fight, what good is putting up a fight when winning could mean the end of me. I'm too emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted. i don't know how much is left in me to fight. I'm fighting myself at the same time. one piece of me is telling me to fight! don't give up! there is so much there! this can and will work! it's too perfect! my heart, is no doubt that part. then the other, equally loud part, logic, most likely is saying give it up Anthony, you've put in so much and still you have nothing to show for it, what do you have? that sick, empty feeling in the pit of your stomach, that no amount of alcohol, cigarettes, pills or flirting can fill. let him go... let it go... let it go and start over... again. begin again... move on! stop with the heartache! let yourself lose. the angry arrogant and selfish part of me is stuck in the middle of both, i always get what i want. always. now here, i have the taste of something so perfect and sweet, but its only given to me ever so often, always leaving me wanting, needing, begging, pleading for more. how much lower can i allow myself to sink? i thought i was out of this? this is why i hate that i moved to Nashville, i haven't felt this way in years... things were truly looking up for a while there, i thought i had it in my hands all i had to do was hold on and care, but i was wrong. i hate being wrong. there was a point in my life when i was never wrong.
dear God, can we please fast forward? maybe rewind? hell, I'll even take pause so i can have a minute without distraction to piece this all together and make a decision, find an answer...
is this going to be the time when i make an exception... will this be the time when i give in?
"I've got a tight grip on reality, but i can't let go of what's in front of me here. i know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up, leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream... You, are, the only exception."
i want my life to go back to normal, with the problems i could handle, with the friends i could handle. when i knew what to expect everyday, when i didn't feel like crying all the time, when i didn't feel like i was 16 all over again, where there were points in my day that i didn't feel like a complete loser. when i could get that hug that always made me feel better. i've been lying... i'm miserable here. i wanted people to think i made the right choice when all a long i knew i'd never make it here emotionally. but now i can't leave. i can't afford it. there's no way i can make back home what i make here and afford the life i need in order to go back to school. i know what i have to do, i just don't want to. can't we just fast forward 10 years? i just want to see if all this suffering is worth it... i promise i'll go back and live through it... please?
i've been in nashville now for almost 2 months and i'm surprised almost everyday at how much i truly am changing. i'd like to think that all the changes i'm making are for the best. i have had to make some very serious and personal decisions that were in no sense of the word easy to make. but i suppose in order to get what you want you have to make some sacrifices. but i think i've spent too much time dreaming and talking about all the things i want to accomplish, that its about time to put my foot down and do what i have to do in order to make myself the person i always dreamed i could be. the person i know i can be. i've decided to quit smoking, for real this time, i know it won't be easy, but i have faith in myself and a support group of people who love and care for me to help me through the harder times that will no doubt be ever present in the weeks to come. my alcohol intake is at an all time low, so thats a good thing too. i plan to start my workout schedule tomorrow after work and like i said before, school in a few months. so many other things have changed that its very difficult to fully wrap my head around everything that is going on, and along with that, put it into words. still can't say i'm happy, along with a change in direction comes a change in problems. i never thought that i was running away from california, though some may disagree, the reasons i left california are still present in one way or another and along with realizing my dreams here i am doing my best to work out and through the issues i left behind. i never expected life to be easy, no matter where i was, but i can see that here, my life seems to be more in order, making it easier to take a step back and analyze everything more carefully, put everything in perspective. in the last few weeks i've felt like i'm in high school all over again. sometimes its been a good thing and others i've felt lost and alone, leading me to pick up my pen and paper again, i've written more in the last 2 months than i think i have in the last 3 years. for those of you who know me that has always been an outlet for me. i have written about happiness, sadness, uncertainty and hope, i've also decided to really set out to write the book that i always wanted to write. with this grand change has come some grand inspiration. i haven't written much, but i have the outline in my head, i just need to get it in order, though it does look promising. i'm just a shadow of who i use to be and i like it...
3 weeks ago today, i arrived in nashville, and so much has changed... i've found myself in a place, that can actually make all my dreams come true! like i've already said, i have a job now, working in the evening, which in turn can help with going back to school. i knew that i wanted to, i just never thought that i could be doing it this soon and still work and still afford to have my own place! seriously, the possibilities seem endless for me here. i am also not so blind and stupid to think that this will all be easy, i know it won't be, but i welcome the challenge! next on my list is getting my TN drivers license, then a car! after those 2 goals are complete, hopefully in the next few months, i can start working on getting my ass back in school. the amount of schools in the area is insane! i have a quite a few choices! ahh! i'm so excited for what my future has in store for me now! i can't honestly say i was in the past, there never seemed to be a light at the end of the tunnel. now i see it, clearly! still a ways off, but its there! i'm not quite sure what it is, but not once, since i arrived have i felt homesick, sad, or upset because i left. my mother was in surgery this past week, so i was concerned about that and sad that i couldn't be there for her, but she and i both understood, why. thank god she's doing better and safely at home now. yet again i come to a point where i feel i have so much to say, but i can't seem to get the words to come out. i'm sure they will in time... ~Anthony
i didn't think i'd actually do it, but here i am, sitting in the middle of music city. it's been a pretty interesting last few weeks. i've done very little exploring, but i plan to fix that in my last week of freedom. i start my job on the first. the differences between home and my new home, are huge. the people, for one, are so much nicer, but as i always say, everyone is nicer than the people in LA. i've met some interesting and not so interesting people. i've had some good food and i've been to some great places. its strange how we can all be in the same country and yet the differences are so vast from state to state. i enjoy it here, i don't know if its the people, the food, the music, the history or the change in scenery. it could be everything. i spent so many years in LA wanting to get out, to get away, but my fear always stopped me. fear of what? i don't know for sure. i never imagined i'd end up in tennessee, wasn't even sure it was a place i'd want to visit, but here i am, and i'm enjoying it, i feel like this is the change that i've been waiting for and wanting for so long... though not exactly where i thought i'd want it to be. i'm hesitant to say that i'm happy. i'm in no way unhappy, i think that at this point in time, i'm still just adjusting. its been 3 weeks, i don't think i've been here long enough to fully judge the move. but i can say that if things continue to move along on the path that they're on, i will learn to love the great city that is Nashville. i feel like i have so much more that i want to say, yet i'm having difficulty getting the words out. when they finally make their way, i'll be sure to write that down. ~Anthony
i'm the most honest liar you'll ever meet, i'll say what i mean and mean what i say, but no one ever gets what i'm saying. i guess i'm just writing for myself.
