(141) days of Nashville

been here almost 5 months... i still feel like I've accomplished so little, nothing, really. something is missing. wheres my purpose? back home i always felt like i had a purpose, i was the guy who kept everyone together and after leaving i realized that was true. I'm not saying everyone fell apart without me, but it seems that people have all fallen away from each other. the gang is no more...

it seems more and more that lately i have really been considering/thinking about moving back home and trying to start over there... maybe I'll regain my purpose, i don't feel like i have anything holding me back here, like i don't really fit in. i feel like I'm making every ones life a little more difficult than it needs to be, well not everyone, 2 people really. feels like things were just a little easier for them before i showed up... i know they'd both deny it, but its pretty obvious they had less to worry about before i came along. sucks cos i really love both of them and it really wasn't my intention.

43

yes, i know all of this was already said... i just liked the way it sounded here...

i always get what i want. always.
now here, i have the taste of something so perfect and sweet,
but its only given to me every so often, always leaving me wanting more.

i know that sounds kind of vain and what-not, but its true,
whenever i set my sights on something, i don't stop tilll i get it,
and when i do finally get it, i hold onto it like there is nothing more precious
in this world, regardless of what it is. i don't have a lot, but what i do have,
i cherish and keep near and dear to me, always...

can we please fast forward? maybe rewind? hell, I'll even take pause!
then i can have a minute without distraction to piece this all together
and make a decision, find an answer...
i'll even take a clue, then, atleast i'd know in which direction to go.

it's kind of funny how i never give up, i might not always get exactly what i want,
because when on the journey to getting what i want, sometimes i find what i need.
and the plan changes...

is this going to be the time when i make an exception...
will this be the time when i give in? when i don't get what i want?

Maybe I know, somewhere deep in my soul
That love never lasts and we've got to find other ways
To make it alone or keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this keeping a comfortable distance
And up until now I had sworn to myself that I'm content
With loneliness because no one was ever worth the risk,
but you are the only exception

I've got a tight grip on reality, but I can't let go of what's in front of me here
I know your leaving in the morning, when you wake up
leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream

you are the only exception and I'm on my way to believing.

how many letters in the word love?
how many letters in the word you?

exceptions?

why am i crying? is it because i have no hope or too much hope?

i really don't want to feel like i made the wrong choice anymore. i want to love it here, i want to want to stay here. i want to live my life! i want to stop everything and start over. i want to go back to February 2ND and start over. do this all in a different way, but i know i can't, and i just need to get past those thoughts and move forward... keep moving forward... everything always in time will come...

its 9 am... i can tell it's going to be another beautiful day here in Nashville, the humid heat is growing on me, i think i like it. i can hear my roommate in the living room, cleaning up the after math of his drunken debauchery and here i am, sitting in my room, alone, crying and listening to Paramore.

i want to have fight left in me, and try as i might i think I'm all out, even with the hope of future plans being made, expressing that we want to see each other more, that we're going to try, even with the fucked up schedules... but theres something missing, and i cant figure out what it is. maybe its just me, maybe i'm thinking too much into this whole thing, but whatever it is, i have and hate the feeling of letting go of something that just feels so right, again... that's twice now in my life that i have to give up on something i feel/felt so strongly about... i know i should fight, but i can't win a losing fight, what good is putting up a fight when winning could mean the end of me. I'm too emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted. i don't know how much is left in me to fight. I'm fighting myself at the same time. one piece of me is telling me to fight! don't give up! there is so much there! this can and will work! it's too perfect! my heart, is no doubt that part. then the other, equally loud part, logic, most likely is saying give it up Anthony, you've put in so much and still you have nothing to show for it, what do you have? that sick, empty feeling in the pit of your stomach, that no amount of alcohol, cigarettes, pills or flirting can fill. let him go... let it go... let it go and start over... again. begin again... move on! stop with the heartache! let yourself lose. the angry arrogant and selfish part of me is stuck in the middle of both, i always get what i want. always. now here, i have the taste of something so perfect and sweet, but its only given to me ever so often, always leaving me wanting, needing, begging, pleading for more. how much lower can i allow myself to sink? i thought i was out of this? this is why i hate that i moved to Nashville, i haven't felt this way in years... things were truly looking up for a while there, i thought i had it in my hands all i had to do was hold on and care, but i was wrong. i hate being wrong. there was a point in my life when i was never wrong.

dear God, can we please fast forward? maybe rewind? hell, I'll even take pause so i can have a minute without distraction to piece this all together and make a decision, find an answer...

is this going to be the time when i make an exception... will this be the time when i give in?

"I've got a tight grip on reality, but i can't let go of what's in front of me here. i know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up, leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream... You, are, the only exception."

if anyone reads this, and you have advice, help.

maybe i should just go back to sleep?