(256) days of Nashville

With just a little bit of Blood Love Hope Lust and Steam, I'm going to make it. Life, to say the least has not been very easy on me as of late, or perhaps, I haven't been very easy on life lately? Either way, things aren't exactly going the way I intended them to. I have a birthday coming, my new life is starting soon, I can feel it, it's calling to me, October 27th, I'll be reborn, my life will take flight and I'll finally make everything happen. I'll be the Incredible Machine that I know I can be. My goals are set, I have the support that I know I need. Goal 1: Get my drivers license. Goal 2: Get a part time job. Goal 3: Get into school. My time frame? ASAP! Though i have given myself a time frame for the license, as long as I have it by my next birthday I'll be on track. I know that I can do it. I just need to forge on and be the captain of this machine. I need to take control, and not let anything or anyone including myself, stop me or steer me off course. With the course set, I can and will succeed.
For too long I've been the main road block in my own life. It stops now, I will be a success and I am not doing it for anyone other than myself. It all starts now!

tapes

i want to call someone baby, i want to have someone to call baby...
i don't want to be alone, i don't want to keep falling in love with the wounded, the unavailable or the unready...
i want to wake up next to the same person for the rest of my life.
i don't want to keep thinking about things that never were, things that could have been or the things i lost. i want someone i can look at and see stability, love, understanding, respect and lasting love.
i want someone to look at me and think to themselves "he's mine" and smile. i want to see that smile from across the room, and i want to know that i would be the only person who knows why he's smiling, because i'll be smiling too.
i want to start all over again, go back to day one, but i've already done that and yet somehow feel more lost than i did when i began again. i just want someone in my life who is going to want me in theirs. i don't want to be the exception, i want to be the rule. i want to be misunderstood and loved anyway, i want top be asked questions, i want to be challenged, i want to be made to think, i want to
second-guess everything, but always know i love him, whomever he may be and know he loves me, i want to be something other than a toy, a puppet, something to pass the time, i don't want to be someone who fills a void, i want to be the reason the void is there, if ever i were to leave, but i want him to know i won't.
i want someone who's not going to judge me for my inadequacies, addictions, self-doubt, faults or flaws, but embrace them and love them, because these things are all part of the man they fell in love with and they accept that. he accepts me, for me, no matter what he wishes i'd change, but loves me anyway for my stubbornness.
i want the man who will feel lonely in a crowded room if i'm not there, i want someone to hold me and no when i need to be alone, i want him to know when i'm faking it and really mean stay with me. i want him to be flawed, i want don't want him to be perfect, i just want him to be perfect for me. it's a lot to ask, i know, but could he really be out there?